College humour
I was checking out some college humour websites, and I found quite a few funny items.One site had a "You might be a grad student if..." list, and here are my three favorites:
- everything reminds you of something in your discipline
- you spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper
- you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow in the library
Another site had a "Fun things for professors to do in class" list, from which I've picked the funniest, listed blow:
- After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
- Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
- Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
- If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
- Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
- Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
- Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
- Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
- Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
- Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
- Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
- Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
- Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
On yet another site, people can submit funny quotes that have actually been said by their professors in class; here's a selection of what was submitted:
"If you don't have the Internet... then just e-mail me or something and we'll figure it out." - Professor Jackson
"I'm sure I'll be arrested before the course is over." - Dr. Brown, during his film theory introduction
"Sperm cells just BEG to have a smiley face drawn on them!" - Dr. Vodopich, sketching sperm cells
"If you're really quiet, I bet you could almost hear the spermogenesis happening." - Professor Hasbro, referring to the males in the room
"Dying is not good for your survival." - Professor Schmidt, during biology
"Males are more expendable than females." - Professor Sandweiss, willing to die
"I don't know how you milk an almond... I assume you use the pointy end." - Dr. Jay, after seeing 'almond milk' in a recipe
"I'd like to shake the hand of whoever invented abortions. Man, did he ever save MY ass!" - Professor Rympa of WMU
